pet peeves of the bereaved: part 1 (of a million)

I call this “part 1 (of a million)” because there are so many things that annoy  me about how the people around me handle my grieving, and there will undoubtedly be more posts that fall into this category. For this one, instead of just putting it right out there, I will first illustrate my topic with a little scenario that exemplifies what I am about to discuss:

Me: Oh, hey friend, what’s up.

Friend A: Oh hey Kari, how are you?

Me: I’m doing alright. How are you?

Friend: I’m fine. Just listening to some Pink Floyd.

Me: Oh, my Dad and I used to listen to Pink Floyd together!

::AWKWARD SILENCE FOLLOWED BY MORE AWKWARD SILENCE::

Friend: So, how do you like that book I lent you?

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE? WHY CAN’T I TALK ABOUT MY DAD IN CONVERSATION? I swear, people avoid the word “dad” around me like it’s the fucking plague. And even when I bring it up, SILENCE! Nobody responds. Then I end up feeling guilty for making everyone feel awkward. Damn it! What the fuck?! Do we have to erase him from all daily interactions just because he died?! Ridiculous. It makes me so upset, because in order for me to deal with this loss, I need to keep him as a part of the conversation. It’s like people are trying to erase him from history or something. It is so god damn frustrating. I need to put this out there as to better inform the masses: PLEASE BRING UP MY DAD CASUALLY IN CONVERSATION IF IT SEEMS APPROPRIATE. I mean, don’t go making cancer jokes or anything,  but please don’t be afraid to bring him up. It will make me feel like his memory is still hangin’ around, even if he isn’t. Like some form of him is still here, and full of energy. I don’t want my dad to be the elephant in the room, I want him to be who he was and is: MY DAD.

Now, I understand that people don’t know what to say and that nobody wants to upset me. And I am asking you all – please, take that risk. Maybe I will get upset, but you know what? YOU are not upsetting me. You know what’s upsetting me? That my dad is dead. And, last time I checked, getting upset is a pretty natural reaction to such an event. It actually makes me more upset when I get no response, or when people completely avoid mentioning my father. I can almost guarantee that I would be absolutely tickled to hear someone other than myself (or my boyfriend or my brother, who both know the drill by now) bring up a memory or a thought about my dad. Seriously, I feel like I’m talking to myself when I start reminiscing while in a social setting, because all you can hear are crickets.

For some reason, in this society, talking about people who have recently passed, or asking someone who is grieving how they are handling everything, is taboo. I am here to tell you that THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I would love to know that my dad is still in people’s thoughts, or that people are interested in my recovery and wanting updates. This is a HUGE part of my life, and I wish that people would strive more to be a part of it. I’m not going to cry on your shoulder all night (well, maybe sometimes…), but it would be nice if I could feel like this whole “dad dying” thing wasn’t so hush hush.

I guess the point is this: If dying is natural, why isn’t it natural to talk about those who are dead? And if your answer is, “Because is might upset the living,” then my answer is: WHO FUCKING CARES? Because BEING UPSET IS OK. Being sad is ok. These are not emotions we should avoid. When we need to feel these things, we should embrace them. And, if you are friends with someone who is grieving, you should embrace them, too. I don’t understand when being sad became such a big no-no. If something sad happens, be sad. I embrace my emotions, whether they are sad or happy or gooey or slimy. I want to know all of them, in their entirety, good or bad, ugly or uglier.

Ok, so I’ve digressed a bit, but who the fuck cares.

Here are the cliff’s notes of this blog, in case you need a cheat sheet:

1. If someone dies, don’t be afraid to:

a) bring them up in conversation.

b) check-in with the bereaved about how they are handling things.

2. If someone dies, don’t let there be awkward silence when the bereaved gal or guy brings up the person who died in conversation.

3. Embrace all emotions your friends may have, whether sad or happy. This goes for your own emotions, too.

4. Make cookies for the grieving person. The kind with the jumbo chocolate chunks in them. And, while you’re at it, maybe whip up some brownies too?

Ok, so I threw that last point in there, but for real – if you don’t want to talk about my dad in conversation or listen when I do, at least bring me some fucking chocolate, ass.