Warning: REALLY UPSETTING POST AHEAD. In fact, it borders on psychotic, hysterical, and deeply depressed. A fine mix of qualities, if you ask me.
A brief background about why this post is going to either a) make you want to never talk to me again or b) make you want to put me in a mental institution: THE HOLIDAYS ARE UPON US AND THIS MEANS THAT IT HAS ALMOST BEEN A YEAR SINCE MY DAD DIED, AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR FUCKING PARENTS AND SIBLINGS AND I CANT BECAUSE MINE ARE EITHER a) DEAD or b) IN REHAB.
I need to start with a HEAVY FUCKING SIGH. and a tear. and another tear. and then a bout of hysterics. because this has been my life this week… and, really, for most of the past year. god damnit, this shit is fucking HARD. and I wish I could adopt the “get over it and get on with your life” way of dealing. or the “it’s in the past,” “it makes you stronger,” “it’s part of life” or any of the other t-shirt worthy ways of dealing with trauma, but… I can’t. And don’t even accuse me of not trying. I have busted my GOD DAMN ASS THIS PAST YEAR NOT TO FALL OFF THE TRACK OF FUNCTIONALITY. I could have easily just dropped head first into a pit of depression so deep that I would of had to leave my job, my friends, my hobbies, etc etc so I could sit in a corner in a pool of my own tears. But, I didn’t do that. And let me just say – it has been HARD AS HELL not to just completely submit to the sadness and depression that I have been feeling. HARD. AS. HELL.
This week, I really feel like I’m about to lose it. I am seriously about to just lose. my. SHIT. I have been having more emotional outbreaks than usual, even for a bad week. I feel like I’m just going to fall right off the edge of functionality into a world where I can only cry and flip people off and waste away. Some days I just want to stop eating, and live on my couch until I melt into it. I don’t want to talk to anybody, because the lack of understanding that often happens as a result of my reaching out to someone makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Come to think of it, if I could pick two words to summarize the entirety of the grieving process, it would be those: Isolation and Loneliness. I feel these two things more than anything else in the world. And it is all doubled in intensity when I reach down for my phone to call – who else? – my Dad, because who better to help me deal with my feelings of hopelessness and despair than him?? I never realized until I lost him that NOBODY ELSE IN THE GOD DAMN WORLD can understand me like he did. WHAT THE FUCK WORLD! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! Taking away the one person in my world who made me feel connected to the planet. Now I feel like some sad floating amoeba that has no means of reconstituting itself into an actual human.
Think of it this way: I lived 23+ years with my dad in my life. How the FUCK am I supposed to undo the damage of that loss in only a year? Isn’t it going to take a little longer than that to “get up and get on with it”? Since when did one year mark the point at which I should no longer be seriously effected? Or bitter? Or sad? Or angry? Trust me, nobody wishes I was “better” by now more than yours truly. Seriously. I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of having 99% of my waking (and sleeping) life revolve around my dad and how god damn sad I am not only that he died but that it happened in such a disgustingly painful way. I want to live through my 20′s not being depressed, trust me, but the weight of this loss is just so god damn debilitating. Glass shards squeezing my heart every god damn day.
I really have to add an apology here because this post is terribly depressing and for those of you who want to kill me right now I understand.
Shit. Shit!
And then there’s THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!! The world is so clever here, too… making the 1 year anniversary of my dad’s death fall on one of the BIGGEST FAMILY DAYS OF THE YEAR. Are you KIDDING me? Are you fucking KIDDING ME WITH THIS ONE?! Couldn’t it just have been some random Thursday? One where I could have taken off from work and babied myself with hot tea and trashy magazines? No, no. It couldn’t be that. It had to be the biggest family day in existence, where everyone is drinking apple cider and eating turkey with their parents and relatives and enjoying the family-ness that is this day. god DAMNIT. god damnittttttttttttttttt. I want to eat turkey with my dad! I don’t want to sit at someone ELSE’S family dinner. I want to sit at my own!
and this is why I have been losing my SHIT in public regularly this week. Everything is making me cry. Everything is making me want to rip my hair out of my head and shred my eyeballs with safety pins. I have cried at the climbing gym, Bikram (twice!), work, my apartment, my car, my doctor’s appointment, the coffee shop, multiple sidewalk locations, music class (I take Arlo, the boy I nanny for, every Wednesday), and the list goes on. One of my best friends (Julia) who recently lost her mom and who usually helps to pull me out of these awful times is out of the country, my mom hasn’t returned my calls (I’m sure she’s just busy but right now it just feels like torture), Josh is upset with me because I don’t spend enough time with his family (not to mention he is also totally exhausted by the intensity of my sadness), and my dad is dead. and since I’m jumping on the “woe is me” wagon, I might as well add that my cat has fleas, which means I have them too. Oh, and I had to start this week off (Monday morning, 9 AM) with a very painful procedure at the gyno. So, there you have it folks… another wonderful week in the world of Kari. Life is bliss, through and through!
One day I am going to have nice things to report. But probably not until after Thanksgiving is fucking over.
I miss my dad.
the man, the legend, the epicenter of all my conscious and subconscious thoughts.
DAM KARI! YOU SURE CAN WRITE!
I know ….not much of a response. But remember this is not the first time Ive heard these, or any of your thoughts.
Haha! Kari the Grinch who stole Thanksgiving! I think marshmallow would look great with faux antlers or some turkey equivalent. Glad to see you can weep while sweating Bikram style. Probably healthier than opera.
Love that your face is in the back of your pop’s picture-”Smee!”
yeah one year sure wont make up for the last 23, and frankly no amount of years ever will. but one thing i want to tell you – you should never blame yourself for breaking down so much, because grief is normal. you actually are doing remarkably well, all things considered. you might end up hating thanksgiving for the rest of your life, but youi know what – FUCK THANKSGIVING ! stupid turkey bullshit ! i just hope that one day you’ll stop hating the world, although you have every right to.